I tap my fingers on the keys, randomly, light enough to leave the screen blank, thinking hard what to type. How do I begin again?
Until I tell myself - just type. A blank page - a fresh start - to make this space my own. Something that finally feels like me.
It feels like so, so long since I've felt passionate about my little piece of the interwebs. All the excuses falling to the front - motherhood, parenting, kids, illness, overflowing calendar, busyness, exhaustion, too hard basket.. blah blah. Sometimes we just lose our way and our drive to push on the way we had been moving simply disappears. And that's what happened.
Finding new flashes of inspiration and allowing myself the freedom and, sometimes, the permission (crazy, I know!), to follow that little voice inside my head that says it's okay not to have everything together, ALL of the time. Huge day with the kids, exhausted beyond measure, had intended to blog a session.. and I fall short. I began to feel like it was all a big chore, so much energy to write one post, when it used to be so wonderfully enjoyable. Relaxing and freeing had become choked and forced.
The ebb and flow of life is unpredictable.. and the older I get, the better I become at allowing myself to move with the current. The only expectations placed on me are put there.. BY ME. Who cares if I don't share a session I had hoped for? Me. That's all. Because no one else even knew it was on my agenda.
When I was blogging regularly, it felt really good. Until it didn't. With little warning my spark lost all it's glittery wonder and I was left with not one, but two neglected blogs. Trying to keep both moving, while being the primary carer for our three small children, keeping the household ticking along, school and kindy commitments on track, ensuring work was delivered to clients on time, get enough sleep.. it was just too much and all too overwhelming until I just stepped back. And breathed. In and out. And let go.
The only thing that matters is that I follow that voice inside my head. So I am.
Starting over. A new name, a new space, a (kinda) new direction. This space will be anything I want it to be. I struggled to maintain two blogs separating my professional and personal lives until I simply couldn't. So you'll see my kids here - my family, my friends, my life outside of the photographer. Some say that's a huge no-no in this industry but I don't care. This is what feels right for me so I'm following that voice. My life is more motherhood than photographer right now and I never want to create the impression that that's not the case. My kids have been my greatest teachers, both in life and work. They have been my willing and unknowing subjects, taking me from average to whatever here is, right now. They are part of my story so they should be here.
This was meant to be here almost two months ago. But there's that life again - just getting in the way. Changing my plans and teaching me to surrender. To slow down and give myself a little more time. Time to acknowledge my boundaries, while still doing the best I can. Because that's all I can do - the best I can.